The Pursuit of Motherhood.
the ups and downs
the unknown obstacles
the fear of inadequacy
The normal desires to be excited about having your genetic child come into the world- new and with all the blessing of being 100% yours. A new creation, a miracle. A prayer answered, a promise kept.
But I don’t let my heart wander too far into that space. I temper my old fantasies of carrying a new life inside of me- feeling so proud and full of anticipation to know this person fully- of nursing and bonding and using all the knowledge I’ve worked so hard to build about child rearing.
When adults asked me that loaded question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
My answer wasn’t swayed by ballerinas or princesses. I knew then more than I know now-
That “I want to sing and be a mom!”
Just to sing and love my children like my mom and dad sang to, and loved me.
Then as a young adult my parents became my teachers- sharing their long wisdom of love, God, and my value in this world. Sitting in the direct blessing if their love, their lives- made me want to give what I’ve been given-
The simple truth that love wants to reproduce and grow makes me feel like someone’s blasted a hole right through my chest. It burns and aches like a reoccurring condition without a cure.
Will you be faithful to complete a good work in me God? Will you fulfill your promise? Will you comfort me in my pain? Will you? Will you-
I’m reminded “A thankful heart prepares the way for you my God.”
So I remember-
And I try to be content
but it aches just the same.