Her Dream Come True

Every year my crazy big family gets together for a weekend and then we go to a water park or something. This year was Noah’s ark and it was hot and wet and fun. A big group of cousins were standing in line for our first slide and they are all loud and cracking jokes and full of excited energy just to be together even though it was the fourth day! I was at the back of the group and there was this little girl who slowly got closer and closer to the group. She even passed me to see what all the fun loud people were doing. She had a curious unaware pure spirit that if you judge too fast seems intrusive and a little in your space. I could tell she was a character so I asked her what other rides she had been on so far. She paused and looked confused for a moment and then told me she didn’t know. She turned and walked away so I thought our interaction was over. But a few minutes later she came right up to me and said that her dad didn’t know either. ūüôā I started chatting with her and I felt like Anne Shirley finding a kindred spirit. As the line crept up to the slide stair by stair our conversation lapsed.

“I was adopted.” she stated matter-of-factly. “My mom couldn’t have a baby in her tummy so I was her dream come true.”

I smiled and said that I’m sure she was her mom’s dream come true. I couldn’t believe that she had found me. Such a sweet, bold, innocent child.

“Are you a mom?”

“No, not yet.” I said.

“Well, do you know how to take care of kids?” she asked.

“Yeah, I was a nanny, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning how to take care of kids.” I smilingly assured her.

“Because not everyone knows how to take care of kids.” she replied soberly.

How did she find me?! To just announce the simple things she did, I felt like God had given me this moment with this little girl. She had completely made my day. My heart had been coming alive to adoption in the last few weeks and here is this little girl telling me how she was her mom’s dream come true. It was so sweet and unexpected. The whole rest of the day I was silently hoping and praying that I would run into them again and get to tell the parents that their daughter made my day. At the end of the day I got to do just that. We were heading back to our family’s pavilion and who is coming around the corner, but the little girl and her whole family. She walked right up to me and put her little hand in mine like old friends and asked me if the path we were on lead to the wave pool. God had answered my prayer. As I explained how their daughter had made my day, I told them all she had said and that we are thinking of adopting ourselves. They told me that they adopted all three of their children through the foster system.

It was so sweet the way she trusted me and put her hand right into mine. And it was a small¬†miracle¬†that they walked by us in a park of hundreds of people. I felt like I was given a small yet overwhelming gift. A true moment with someone who said the thing I needed to hear. I don’t have an exact plan in place for what we will do next on our journey to become parents but I have always wanted to adopt. Before I knew I would face infertility. So at this point I’m just listening and learning and reading as much as I can about it. It can take a long time, so I want to get started with a real plan soon. I just know that sweet hand in mine opened something in my heart that I had closed off for a while.


Invest Your Love

It’s time to face facts. My husband and I really can’t have biological kids.
“Don’t give up, miracles happen.”
People keep telling me that I’m Sarah and I’m not. God hasn’t told me that I will give birth to a son and my descendants will be like the stars. So yes, I am open to a miracle but I can’t live in disappointment of one each month. This chapter of seeking a biological child is coming to a close and now we have to mourn. I have always wanted to adopt. Not just in the back of my head but out loud to my friends when I was sixteen. And even younger in my dreams. When I think about adoption I feel like it’s right for me. God did tell me that I’d have rainbow children. And whenever I see a rainbow it speaks to that promise. But I’m not going full swing into the adoption process just yet. I want to be able to be free to love my child when they come to me without the pain of this grief feeling so strong. I never thought I’d be here having to face this. But here I am. I’m going to go see a therapist for the first time. I just need some more¬†coping¬†tools and help with this. I still feel kind of numb this week about everything but I think I’m just protecting myself from really facing it yet. Day by day.
“Where you invest your love, you invest your life.” Mumford and Sons


Recent Progress

A few months ago i was having a major meltdown because i had gotten my hopes up that i might be pregnant. i was only two days late but it was enough time for me to really thinks this could be the exception to the rule. this wasn’t the first time i had gotten my hopes up or the longest either, but it just felt like the round ache in my chest that i can usually cover up or keep on simmer turned into a ring of fire someone just shot a rocket through. Sobbing i called a girlfriend who understands, she said we needed to make a real plan and then i wouldn’t feel so out of control and stuck. ¬†I didn’t know where to begin.

After some encouragement from my sister i got on the phone with the financial person at a clinic. it would cost $400 something ¬†for the first appointment because we don’t have insurance. 400 some dollars, ok we can save and go next spring sometime, i thought. ¬†i called my mom and told her about the money needed and that ¬†their website says it is 90% treatable if it is what i think it is. She was so excited and prayed for me that we would get the money by my anniversary. ¬†i told her she was crazy but i opened myself up to the¬†possibility. my mom can be prophetic that way. ¬†my anniversary was three weeks away… that gave me some time to come up with something…

after sharing the news with my sister-in-law Tanya the day before, she called Tom and said that we would have the money by the end of the weekend!!!!!!

Because of their amazing generosity the money came through in three days not three weeks, not three months! thank you thank you-

Our appointment is set for november 1st, hopefully this “not knowing” will be done and we can start really making a plan.

I have real reason to hope for my biological children for the first time in 5 years. Thank you God. Thank you to my family and friends for supporting both tom and i through this. i’m making lists of baby names again..