Not for itself, but for you.
Creator and observer,
its breath hits us all.
It whispers new vision,
so we write our revisions.
Longing to reach some tale of glory,
we risk it all.
But reality likes to replace hope with fear.
Even if your aim is clear
you have to be ready, steady, my dear.
Don’t let it destroy us.
Make way before us!
Never forget that Love is here.
The Pursuit of Motherhood.
the ups and downs
the unknown obstacles
the fear of inadequacy
The normal desires to be excited about having your genetic child come into the world- new and with all the blessing of being 100% yours. A new creation, a miracle. A prayer answered, a promise kept.
But I don’t let my heart wander too far into that space. I temper my old fantasies of carrying a new life inside of me- feeling so proud and full of anticipation to know this person fully- of nursing and bonding and using all the knowledge I’ve worked so hard to build about child rearing.
When adults asked me that loaded question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
My answer wasn’t swayed by ballerinas or princesses. I knew then more than I know now-
That “I want to sing and be a mom!”
Just to sing and love my children like my mom and dad sang to, and loved me.
Then as a young adult my parents became my teachers- sharing their long wisdom of love, God, and my value in this world. Sitting in the direct blessing if their love, their lives- made me want to give what I’ve been given-
The simple truth that love wants to reproduce and grow makes me feel like someone’s blasted a hole right through my chest. It burns and aches like a reoccurring condition without a cure.
Will you be faithful to complete a good work in me God? Will you fulfill your promise? Will you comfort me in my pain? Will you? Will you-
I’m reminded “A thankful heart prepares the way for you my God.”
So I remember-
And I try to be content
but it aches just the same.
last year i realized that i was hanging onto the idea that if i am who i am fully and freely then i will hurt
people because there is just something so invasive and over the top about who i am that i need to suppress..it took me a long time to be ready to see that i was even thinking that.. and once i could say it out loud
“if i am who i am i will intrinsically hurt people”
i could see it for the lie it is and reject it. i was ready.
i have to fight with myself still- from filtering myself. Just doing what i think others want or expect from me-
but now that i know that this is the battle i am in, i can fight. i can fight for more freedom and authenticity.
if you are who you are, what could happen?
Infertility is like losing a loved one.
Your longing to see that person hurts and you grieve them over years just like a loss.
Wanting to see their face and hear their voice- it aches much the same. Its like missing a member of your family.
The only difference is that all hope is not lost. You reopen this aching idea -with uncertain potential for change- over and over again- even if you’ve given up.
You know it’s not over.
It lives with you as long as you do.