I learned what grief is.
And I learned that as deep as my pain and grief is, God’s Love for me is deeper still. And that you can only trust to the extent that you know you are loved.
And I learned how to be comfortable with others in their pain as I became ok with my own. I learned what the Father must have been feeling when he created me. And why everything in society and life comes back to Family. And all that has taught me to hope.
Six years and we are still in the middle of our story. You know what? I think it’s going to be a great one.
I got my hopes up.. again. I swear I tried not to but when it was four days past the usual start of my cycle, I woke up early and couldn’t sleep. I tried not to count the months and imagine the joyous announcing and relief. It was 4 am and I waited until my husband left for work around 6:30 and went to the nearest 24/7 walgreens that would be open on a sunday. I milled around the cosmetics trying not to head straight for the aisle I wanted to go.. picked up some bobby pins and panty liners I figured I could use them either way… and got the walgreens brand pregnancy test. I found myself gushing to the cashier way too much. And she wished me luck no matter what outcome I was hoping for. It was negative and I told myself that I’d wait a few more days and use the second one. I didn’t want to even tell my husband that I had bought one because he would tell me not to get my hopes up. And when he called asking why I had spent $20 at walgreens, he did. He understood and said that I didn’t have to keep it from him. But I just didn’t want to make it a big deal. Later that afternoon, right as we were heading out the door I got my period. I was numb and stuffed any feelings away as much as possible to make it through a family reunion. But today it all came crashing down and the aching hole in my chest found new flames. I have been learning guitar and all the songs I write are sad. I feel like I must be one of those people who you scroll down and try not to read on Facebook. I don’t mean to make others uncomfortable by talking about it all the time but I am sad. And I can only compartmentalize my feelings so much and so often. Therapy tomorrow. I hope it helps. Thanks for reading. It really does make me feel less alone to see people are taking the time. If you like, take a listen below.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to process through not being able to have kids. This was recorded on my iPhone and it’s not perfect but here it is.
It’s Not Too Late
I have a list of what I think I need
And another of what I want
You invite me into your house and cover me with Grace
You ask me to give it all and put it in your hands
And while I wait you break down walls I thought would never fall
Between who I am and your Love
Between what I see and your Truth
Between what I know and your Grace
Between my disappointment and your Hope
I’m tired of this homeless wandering and
I’m ready to come homeland take my place in your Family
And when the road leads through a dark forest of anger and pain
You never shy away
You walk with me all the way
And when I start to see the sun again
I realize that it was your Love
That lifted me out of the depths.
And now I know your love is deeper than my lowest despair
And I had to understand such sorrow to be baffled by this Peace.
I’m so grateful for your tangible Grace
Trust takes experience and a leap of Faith
You can only Trust as much as you know you are Loved
So I put all my hope and dreams firmly in your hands.
You are a Good Father who understands.
And as I look a little closer
I know this now more than ever
Your love carries my pain
And I came from your hands.
So let gratitude pave the way
I’ll sing a song of thanks
Because even now I know you will take care of me
Like you always have.
Thank you God for showing me how deeply you love me
For settling the questions of my worth
For never giving up on me
For the Peace I feel
For the Grace on me
For the Future you’ve planned
And hold in your hand
Help me to Live in the five minutes I have
And keep speaking my name
Make my home in you and yours in me