Her Dream Come True

Every year my crazy big family gets together for a weekend and then we go to a water park or something. This year was Noah’s ark and it was hot and wet and fun. A big group of cousins were standing in line for our first slide and they are all loud and cracking jokes and full of excited energy just to be together even though it was the fourth day! I was at the back of the group and there was this little girl who slowly got closer and closer to the group. She even passed me to see what all the fun loud people were doing. She had a curious unaware pure spirit that if you judge too fast seems intrusive and a little in your space. I could tell she was a character so I asked her what other rides she had been on so far. She paused and looked confused for a moment and then told me she didn’t know. She turned and walked away so I thought our interaction was over. But a few minutes later she came right up to me and said that her dad didn’t know either. 🙂 I started chatting with her and I felt like Anne Shirley finding a kindred spirit. As the line crept up to the slide stair by stair our conversation lapsed.

“I was adopted.” she stated matter-of-factly. “My mom couldn’t have a baby in her tummy so I was her dream come true.”

I smiled and said that I’m sure she was her mom’s dream come true. I couldn’t believe that she had found me. Such a sweet, bold, innocent child.

“Are you a mom?”

“No, not yet.” I said.

“Well, do you know how to take care of kids?” she asked.

“Yeah, I was a nanny, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning how to take care of kids.” I smilingly assured her.

“Because not everyone knows how to take care of kids.” she replied soberly.

How did she find me?! To just announce the simple things she did, I felt like God had given me this moment with this little girl. She had completely made my day. My heart had been coming alive to adoption in the last few weeks and here is this little girl telling me how she was her mom’s dream come true. It was so sweet and unexpected. The whole rest of the day I was silently hoping and praying that I would run into them again and get to tell the parents that their daughter made my day. At the end of the day I got to do just that. We were heading back to our family’s pavilion and who is coming around the corner, but the little girl and her whole family. She walked right up to me and put her little hand in mine like old friends and asked me if the path we were on lead to the wave pool. God had answered my prayer. As I explained how their daughter had made my day, I told them all she had said and that we are thinking of adopting ourselves. They told me that they adopted all three of their children through the foster system.

It was so sweet the way she trusted me and put her hand right into mine. And it was a small miracle that they walked by us in a park of hundreds of people. I felt like I was given a small yet overwhelming gift. A true moment with someone who said the thing I needed to hear. I don’t have an exact plan in place for what we will do next on our journey to become parents but I have always wanted to adopt. Before I knew I would face infertility. So at this point I’m just listening and learning and reading as much as I can about it. It can take a long time, so I want to get started with a real plan soon. I just know that sweet hand in mine opened something in my heart that I had closed off for a while.


Invest Your Love

It’s time to face facts. My husband and I really can’t have biological kids.
“Don’t give up, miracles happen.”
People keep telling me that I’m Sarah and I’m not. God hasn’t told me that I will give birth to a son and my descendants will be like the stars. So yes, I am open to a miracle but I can’t live in disappointment of one each month. This chapter of seeking a biological child is coming to a close and now we have to mourn. I have always wanted to adopt. Not just in the back of my head but out loud to my friends when I was sixteen. And even younger in my dreams. When I think about adoption I feel like it’s right for me. God did tell me that I’d have rainbow children. And whenever I see a rainbow it speaks to that promise. But I’m not going full swing into the adoption process just yet. I want to be able to be free to love my child when they come to me without the pain of this grief feeling so strong. I never thought I’d be here having to face this. But here I am. I’m going to go see a therapist for the first time. I just need some more coping tools and help with this. I still feel kind of numb this week about everything but I think I’m just protecting myself from really facing it yet. Day by day.
“Where you invest your love, you invest your life.” Mumford and Sons


Defining Priorities

To be a happy whole Joelle I need:

To be loved and to love
-family, friends, community, world
To create new art and sing
To learn and grow and give as I go.

Favorite Film Of All Time

i just watched “the human experience” on netflix yesterday and it is my favorite of all time check it out at Grassroots Films.


From Grassroots Films of Brooklyn, New York comes THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE – the story of a band of brothers who travel the world in search of the answers to the burning questions: Who am I? Who is Man? Why do we search for meaning? Their journey brings them into the middle of the lives of the homeless on the streets of New York City, the orphans and disabled children of Peru, and the abandoned lepers in the forests of Ghana, Africa. What the young men discover changes them forever. Through one on one interviews and real life encounters, the brothers are awakened to the beauty of the human person and the resilience of the human spirit.

WPR Program – Veronica Rueckert

What happens when you bring victims of violent crimes together with their offenders? After nine, Veronica Rueckert and her guest discuss forgiveness through “restorative justice.”

Guest: Mark Umbreit, founding director of the Center for Restorative Justice and Peacemaking. Author, “Restorative Justice Dialogue: An Essential Guide for Research and Practice.”

via WPR Program – Veronica Rueckert.

i was the first caller. it was such a good show.  what do you think?

Meeting Ralph

I just spent the last hour at the DMV and to prevent my lower half from falling further asleep, i got up and decided to wait in the back of the room.  after a few minutes an elderly man stood next to me papers in hand. he wore a nice ironed shirt, but it seemed strange next to his unkempt white hair, wrinkled face and missing tooth.

i asked him how long he’d been waiting and he said, only 15 min. i told him I’d been there a little over an hour and mentioned something about the system, the bureaucracy of it all..i found out his name was Ralph. Ralph seemed sad. he said “this whole country is going to crap.” he seemed defeated. and just shook his head a lot when i asked him what he thought about all the stuff that is going on in WI –

Ralph told me he has a great granddaughter who will be 10 months old this month and he wonders what kind of a world she will grow up in. what kind of America she will know. i asked him if he is a veteran and he said that he was 74 and in both Vietnam and Korea. He disproved of the cuts to veteran’s benefits . he also said that his niece’s boyfriend has been on so many tours she cant be around him because he has lost it. too much war- PTSD.  It seemed like he was worried for both her and his great granddaughter. i told him I’m an optimist and i have been having trouble seeing the glass half full lately too.

it seems so apparent in the dmv that we live in the confines of a government. with social security numbers and the lady who my dad says sounds like Logan’s run saying, “ now serving D 3 6 7 at window number 5.” so it was strange to, well not so strange for me i guess, but the juxtaposition of such a great human interaction amidst this robotic, legal, systematic transaction that IS the DMV was beautiful. like a flower budding between concrete.

now that i am writing this i wish i had asked him what he thought should be different, better. how to get out of this mess? Ralph thank you for your insight and your stories. they need to be heard.

as i was leaving he smiled and waved and nodded his head as if to say thank you for listening, i enjoyed our talk. i hope i get to re-watch that conversation when i get to heaven save it for me ok God?