I want you to know…

I know I have been writing a lot about not being able to have kids lately. And I want to let you know there is more inside of me but this is in the forefront of my mind most days. I want to tell you that until the doctor said in January that he doesn’t know what’s wrong or how to fix it, I was holding out. Call it denial or misguided hope but this has just now become real for me. I want you to know that I’m grieving. I’m numb and depressed and in pain. I’m alone in my grief as we all are when it comes. It’s hard to not obsess when you feel you have the right. I want you to know that I’m angry. This was the one thing that I hoped I would never have to face. I remember the moment I was introduced to the idea that this could happen. I was four or five and I overheard my parents talking about how sad it was that some couple couldn’t have children. I was shocked. “That’s a thing?” I thought. “That can happen?!” I stopped and pleaded to God- “I can handle anything God but PLEASE don’t make me face that! Please!” You see, as long as I can remember, I just wanted to sing and be a mom. My mom says I used to sing to my baby dolls and pretend to nurse them like I’m sure I saw her drape a blanket many times. I’m the oldest of five kids. And babies run in my family. I have 27 first cousins- just on my dad’s side. And that’s before you start counting their spouses and their kids. And of all of them my grandma says I was the one who was always holding and loving on the babies. This is my greatest fear come true. So I’m afraid. Afraid that this is robbing me of the joy and hope I had for this stage in my life. Afraid that by needing space from being a childcare giver or baby shower attendee, I’m losing the carefree loving nature that is in me. This is changing me. And I’m afraid of what I’m losing. I just hope this season doesn’t last too long.

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3 thoughts on “I want you to know…

  1. I love you so much Joelle. You have space to process to be angry and sad. I was sad I missed your call the other week I have had a disaster with phone issues right now but would love to chat with you! I can say I know your loss and likewise when graduating high school was asked what I wanted to be I would always say a mom! It’s a hard surrender. I don’t know that you ever get over not being able to participate in creating a life as a women, it’s what we where created for. I do know though that there is still beauty to be had and maybe the miracle won’t happen in the carrying of a child but the care of an orphan.

  2. Honey, you know that not being biolocial does not make you less of a parent. I have loved everyday with him and fought for him as hard as i was able. God has a different plan for you…maybe its to help the homeless, abused or 3rd world childern who needs someone that cares like you do. I’m not saying that the feels you have are not real and yes you need to process them, I just feel there is something more for you. I love you!

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