Tom’s work opened its doors in a new space, and…
We had our first fertility appointment on tuesday.
While yes, it was good forward progress, it decimated any lingering delusions in my mind that we don’t need help. the fact is that we need outside help to have children. and that reality came swelling up inside of me on the way home from the clinic. like a slow burn turned forest fire i cried all the way to, during and home from work; frantically calling anyone i knew who would listen, console, and calm me down. i was sobbing so hard i had to get off the highway, so i drove through the town i grew up in… past my childhood home and ended up taking a walk in a familiar neighborhood. this process has been so long for me. i’ve gone though so many different stages of emotions from denial and jealousy to bitter anger and surrender. trust is something you can only gain through time and experience. and i just haven’t been here before.
Tuesday broke whatever thin thing i had been protecting myself with. my husband and i cannot have children. not yet. not without investment and choice. and those new realities sent me into a sobbing heap of sadness. what if? i go there right away of course. what if i can never carry and nurse and look like my children? ache. what if? all of the time and hopeful energy i’ve spent learning everything i can about kids since i was 3 singing to and “nursing” my dolls is wasted. what if i never get the honored title of mother, of being that through and through for someone. not a substitute but a true parent that no one can separate from her child? family.
Family is so important to tom and i. it is what we live for. it is what we model our lives after. since my parents moved eight hours away i haven’t felt like such a child. i needed a lap to fall apart into, someone to stoke my hair and tell me that it is ok to be so sad. so funny how not getting to be a parent reverts you into a child. i wonder what i’m supposed to learn from all of this. and it is so wrapped up into my personal identity that i stunt myself when i protect myself from feeling this pain. i stopped working full-time with kids because it was just not healthy for me to be faced with that bittersweet love and affection. whenever i get pouty i remind myself that i am lucky. and i know i am. i have had the best life, parents, and love. i have so much support and love from so many. and my husband .. . i am so lucky to be his. and that is more than most can hope for in this life. did i hit my quota? i am thankful and i am learning to be content. but does that mean you have to give up wanting to have kids? how do you hold these two things at once? i’m definitely “living in the tension” as my dad puts it.
i haven’t had a huge meltdown since some dear friends prayed for me that day. i do feel like there is some grace on me to carry this burden. i don’t like it, but i do feel comforted. and i know that a lot of people were thinking of us too. thank you if that was you- i can feel the love. 🙂 anyone else had anything in their life that just made them so sad? how did you deal with it?