What a week!

Major things this week:

Tom’s work opened its doors in a new space, and…

We had our first fertility appointment on tuesday.

While yes, it was good forward progress, it decimated any lingering delusions in my mind that we don’t need help. the fact is that we need outside help to have children. and that reality came swelling up inside of me on the way home from the clinic. like a slow burn turned forest fire i cried all the way to, during and home from work;  frantically calling anyone i knew who would listen, console, and calm me down. i was sobbing so hard i had to get off the highway, so i drove through the town i grew up in… past my childhood home and ended up taking a walk in a familiar neighborhood.  this process has been so long for me. i’ve gone though so many different stages of emotions from denial and jealousy to bitter anger and surrender. trust is something you can only gain through time and experience. and i just haven’t been here before.

Tuesday broke whatever thin thing i had been protecting myself with. my husband and i cannot have children. not yet. not without investment and choice.  and those new realities sent me into a sobbing heap of sadness. what if? i go there right away of course. what if i can never carry and nurse and look like my children? ache. what if? all of the time and hopeful energy i’ve spent learning everything i can about kids since i was 3 singing to and “nursing” my dolls is wasted. what if i never get the honored title of mother, of being that through and through for someone. not a substitute but a true parent that no one can separate from her child?   family.

Family is so important to tom and i. it is what we live for. it is what we model our lives after. since my parents moved eight hours away i haven’t felt like such a child. i needed a lap to fall apart into, someone to stoke my hair and tell me that it is ok to be so sad. so funny how not getting to be a parent reverts you into a child. i wonder what i’m supposed to learn from all of this. and it is so wrapped up into my personal identity that i stunt myself when i protect myself from feeling this pain. i stopped working full-time with kids because it was just not healthy for me to be faced with that bittersweet love and affection. whenever i get pouty i remind myself that i am lucky. and i know i am. i have had the best life, parents, and love. i have so much support and love from so many. and my husband .. . i am so lucky to be his. and that is more than most can hope for in this life. did i hit my quota? i am thankful and i am learning to be content. but does that mean you have to give up wanting to have kids?  how do you hold these two things at once? i’m definitely “living in the tension” as my dad puts it.

i haven’t had a huge meltdown since some dear friends prayed for me that day. i do feel like there is some grace on me to carry this burden. i don’t like it, but i do feel comforted. and i know that a lot of people were thinking of us too. thank you if that was you- i can feel the love. 🙂 anyone else had anything in their life that just made them so sad? how did you deal with it?



6 thoughts on “What a week!

  1. ah my dearest joelle, I’ve been wondering how you have been doing with this lately. I’m so glad you got to go to the apointment, but oh so difficult too. I really feel for you and stand in shock about this too, if that is not too cheesy to say.
    What has helped me has been allowing myself to feel the way I feel without any “oh I should not be feeling like this or I should be over this or where the hell is my grace, what is wrong??”. Doing what you are doing, repeating what you are thankful for.But mainly just letting go of my own expectations of how I should be dealing, or how my life should be like. Writing has helped me a lot. Also thinking about poetic truths like sorrow will be turned into treasured gold.
    I love you. Take it a minute at a time.
    Sending you lots of hugs and love xoxoxoox

  2. What a brave and honest post. I am in awe of your processing, your journey, and your heart. The fact that you’re still functioning is a testament to your will and your faith. I am so proud of you, and will continue to pray for you. Good job, sweetie. Your heart is coming through loud and clear, and you will not be forgotten.

  3. Love you Joelle, I will continue to keep you and Tom in my prayers. Remember I am next door, and my phone is handy if you ever need anything-you are like family to me, and I am here if you need me!

  4. I have gone through intense times of sadness but I’m not sure I have anything better to say then what has already been said. I know I don’t know you very well but God has put you on my heart to pray for you often in the last year and a half- even when I didn’t know what I was praying for. He’s working something out otherwise He wouldn’t be laying you on the hearts of others to pray for you. I hope in some small way you are encouraged.

  5. Joelle,

    I know it’s hard, but try not to think there is a quota. God is so much bigger than our measures of things. Some people get many good things in life, and some people get many bad. I really don’t know what determines those things. God knows.

    I do feel your pain. My heart hurts for you, and I will continue to pray for you.

    In my life I go through many life-wrenching periods of pain, disappointment, and fear, (I’m not sure if it’s as strong as yours, but I guess that’s irrelevant.) and I just have to try to remember that God has me where I am for a reason, and that I need to do the best that I can with what I’m given. There is so much more that we can’t see, and I know you know that, but remembering these things when it counts is what makes the difference.


  6. Wow… I totally get it. Pretty sure I’ve had the same moments of completely and inconsolably losing it! 😉 In comes in tsunami-like waves, and despite all the things you can know to be true about your identity, value, worth, and purpose, IF just plain old sucks.

    I’m not sure that any other process in my life has been quite as gutting as infertility, which (honestly) surprised me! There is a real grieving process that one goes through with this crazy realization that “it won’t just happen”… at least not without help, time, effort, money, and a lot more frustration than those who haven’t had to “try.”

    Wish there was something I could say that would make this easier. But sometimes things in life aren’t easy, and to make them seem like they should be would be an injustice. Loss (and loss like this is still a super-valid and real loss) hurts. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers… that your grieving would would be a healing process; that there would be “serendipitous” moments in your days, when you are surprised by joy…


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