The Pursuit of Motherhood

The Pursuit of Motherhood.
the ups and downs
the waiting
the unknown obstacles
the fear of inadequacy
the preparation

The normal desires to be excited about having your genetic child come into the world- new and with all the blessing of being 100% yours. A new creation, a miracle. A prayer answered, a promise kept.

But I don’t let my heart wander too far into that space. I temper my old fantasies of carrying a new life inside of me- feeling so proud and full of anticipation to know this person fully- of nursing and bonding and using all the knowledge I’ve worked so hard to build about child rearing.

When adults asked me that loaded question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
My answer wasn’t swayed by ballerinas or princesses. I knew then more than I know now-
That “I want to sing and be a mom!”

Just to sing and love my children like my mom and dad sang to, and loved me.
Then as a young adult my parents became my teachers- sharing their long wisdom of love, God, and my value in this world. Sitting in the direct blessing if their love, their lives- made me want to give what I’ve been given-

The simple truth that love wants to reproduce and grow makes me feel like someone’s blasted a hole right through my chest. It burns and aches like a reoccurring condition without a cure.

Will you be faithful to complete a good work in me God? Will you fulfill your promise? Will you comfort me in my pain? Will you? Will you-

I’m reminded “A thankful heart prepares the way for you my God.”
So I remember-
And I try to be content
but it aches just the same.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “The Pursuit of Motherhood

  1. Wondered if you are taking steps to see Doctors now? Its a long road I dont care how prepared you think you are when you enter that process it is a different layer of things that come up. If you ever need an ear to hear or eyes to read your venting know im available.

what do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s