It’s Not Too Late…

I got my hopes up.. again. I swear I tried not to but when it was four days past the usual start of my cycle, I woke up early and couldn’t sleep. I tried not to count the months and imagine the joyous announcing and relief. It was 4 am and I waited until my husband left for work around 6:30 and went to the nearest 24/7 walgreens that would be open on a sunday. I milled around the cosmetics trying not to head straight for the aisle I wanted to go.. picked up some bobby pins and panty liners I figured I could use them either way… and got the walgreens brand pregnancy test. I found myself gushing to the cashier way too much. And she wished me luck no matter what outcome I was hoping for. It was negative and I told myself that I’d wait a few more days and use the second one. I didn’t want to even tell my husband that I had bought one because he would tell me not to get my hopes up. And when he called asking why I had spent $20 at walgreens, he did. He understood and said that I didn’t have to keep it from him. But I just didn’t want to make it a big deal. Later that afternoon, right as we were heading out the door I got my period. I was numb and stuffed any feelings away as much as possible to make it through a family reunion. But today it all came crashing down and the aching hole in my chest found new flames. I have been learning guitar and all the songs I write are sad. I feel like I must be one of those people who you scroll down and try not to read on Facebook. I don’t mean to make others uncomfortable by talking about it all the time but I am sad. And I can only compartmentalize my feelings so much and so often. Therapy tomorrow. I hope it helps. Thanks for reading. It really does make me feel less alone to see people are taking the time.  If you like, take a listen below.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to process through not being able to have kids. This was recorded on my iPhone and it’s not perfect but here it is.

It’s Not Too Late

http://soundcloud.com/curiousjoelle/not-too-late-rough-draft

Tags: family, fertility, grief, Infertility, loss, song

I want you to know…

I know I have been writing a lot about not being able to have kids lately. And I want to let you know there is more inside of me but this is in the forefront of my mind most days. I want to tell you that until the doctor said in January that he doesn’t know what’s wrong or how to fix it, I was holding out. Call it denial or misguided hope but this has just now become real for me. I want you to know that I’m grieving. I’m numb and depressed and in pain. I’m alone in my grief as we all are when it comes. It’s hard to not obsess when you feel you have the right. I want you to know that I’m angry. This was the one thing that I hoped I would never have to face. I remember the moment I was introduced to the idea that this could happen. I was four or five and I overheard my parents talking about how sad it was that some couple couldn’t have children. I was shocked. “That’s a thing?” I thought. “That can happen?!” I stopped and pleaded to God- “I can handle anything God but PLEASE don’t make me face that! Please!” You see, as long as I can remember, I just wanted to sing and be a mom. My mom says I used to sing to my baby dolls and pretend to nurse them like I’m sure I saw her drape a blanket many times. I’m the oldest of five kids. And babies run in my family. I have 27 first cousins- just on my dad’s side. And that’s before you start counting their spouses and their kids. And of all of them my grandma says I was the one who was always holding and loving on the babies. This is my greatest fear come true. So I’m afraid. Afraid that this is robbing me of the joy and hope I had for this stage in my life. Afraid that by needing space from being a childcare giver or baby shower attendee, I’m losing the carefree loving nature that is in me. This is changing me. And I’m afraid of what I’m losing. I just hope this season doesn’t last too long.

Tags: change, depressed, grief, hope, Infertility, journal, kids, loss, poetry

Why pray?

Here is a sweet animated video from 24/7 prayer about prayer. It’s amazing and I’m excited to become a part of what they are doing soon.

“The most powerful thing you can do is to pray.”

Don’t Ignore…INFERTILITY

Don’t ignore that this is a very common story.

One in eight couples of reproductive age are affected by infertility. If that was you, wouldn’t you want to explore every possible option available to build your family? For many the cost and for some, the law inhibits their basic ability to become parents. As technology evolves so must we, in our understanding of what a family with infertility faces. The decisions you never thought you’d make. The questions you never thought you’d have to ask yourself. Like what is more important? Biology or parenting?

Don’t ignore the cost.

Have you ever had the thought that you cannot grow your family because it is too expensive? One cycle of In vitro Fertilization averages to be $12,400 and if your insurance doesn’t cover it you may have to pay upfront. Adoption is more expensive both domestically and internationally. There are state programs for families to receive health insurance based on their income level and the fact that they are having a baby. What if you are diagnosed with infertility and want a baby but cannot afford to undergo the treatments to get there? Money should never determine who can become parents. Yes you want to give children the best home but coming from a large family on a shoestring budget myself, I know that money doesn’t determine family. Yet my husband and I find ourselves weighing our options based on the costs, when our dream is simply to become parents.

Don’t ignore the irony…

…that the right to life or person-hood legislation may inhibit the ability to build a family for millions of couples who can’t conceive on their own. If you are hoping to become a parent by adopting an embryo the statistics for success are grim at best.

“According to the CDC, for embryo adoption the national average pregnancy rate is 43 percent and the national average live-birth rate is 35 percent. These statistics are from a database of all U.S. assisted reproductive technology clinics… Not all embryos survive the freeze/thaw process, and thawing of your selected embryos may not lead to a transfer. However, this may still offer the greatest hope of achieving pregnancy”* (see reference below)

Would the personhood legislation make it murder when an embryo doesn’t survive the thawing process? We cannot ignore the link between giving embryos personhood and  the ability for millions of Americans to create families. Nor can we ignore that these laws intended to protect life, could limit the legal viability of using In vitro Fertilization or other methods, to build a family. Limiting the very people who would love and honor that new life with a profound sense of gratitude that can only come after experiencing the profound loss that IS infertility.

Don’t ignore the pain.

“Besides the medical part of infertility treatments, women and men are dealing with the emotional stress of infertility. To put this into perspective, infertility treatment can be as stressful as a cancer diagnosis. Unique emotional challenges such as understanding the medical diagnosis, the relationship with your spouse and your family and friends and, finally, financial stress all combine together to make dealing with this issue more stressful.”**(see reference below)

Don’t ignore support.

Over the past five years I have found that no level of support makes you feel all the way better about your infertility. Grief is a lonely thing no matter the cause. But there are ways to connect and seek support. Writing about it on this blog has helped me organize my thoughts and connect with others facing the similar things; it is also a way to share with my family and friends. You can also contact Resolve.org and find or create a support group in your area.

Want to learn more? Infertility 101:   http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

Want to understand? An amazing video that I believe says it best for many of us: http://www.tearsandhope.com/

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week! Learn how to get involved and get support here:   http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

To learn more about embryo adoption: http://www.embryoadoption.org/files/2010_embryo_donation_adoption_101.pdf

* referenced from: http://www.embryodonation.org/index.php?content=adoption

** referenced from: http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/insurance_coverage/infertility-in-the-workplace.html

Tags: Adoption, don'tignore, embryo, family, favorite, fertility, Infertility, infertility week, person-hood, resolve

LIGHT

Saw this on fbook today and I’m sensing a theme…

Tags: Beautiful, life spark, loved, powerful, unique

“Don’t Worry You’re Safe!”

I just woke from a dream where I knew that the devil was stealing gifts from people.  

There were two buildings and an alley or street between them. The buildings were lined with doors and my parents lived on the one side and all the new homes , were on the other side of the alley. There was a character in the dream who I knew was the devils dirty work man. And I watched as two others were each devastated and changed and defeated because the gifts that were just given to them in their new homes were put on the street and then stolen.

 I was given my black guitar and when I noticed that my guitar was fixed and re-strung I got nervous that they were fixing it just to take it away. I saw that there was a pattern and got upset and called my parents out into the street and to the man who was helping the devil. He was an older thin man with grey short hair on his round head and he wasn’t tall reminded me of Danko from Heroes that detective. I started saying: “He’s going to steal from me!”  And then I looked at him and felt pity and wondered how he ended up as the devil’s advocate..I asked Danko,“What did he steal from you?” And he looked scared. Fear and hopelessness rolled off of him. I felt like I was comforting a child and as he started to cry I told him, “You’re safe! You’re safe!” And I held him and laid my head on his shoulder. My mom and others were standing around him like we were praying for him.

I knew that he was afraid that it was too late for his “salvation” and when I said “you are safe” I meant you will be in heaven. When I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes I saw light streaming through clouds like heaven. I felt assurance and peace for him. “You are safe from the hopelessness of this age’s idea of the gospel.” is what I meant.

When Jesus said “I am the way the truth and the life and no one enters the kingdom but through me.” I think he was just stating a fact not giving us ways that we can exclude people from that gift and be plagued by the worry, “Will I make it in? What if I’m doing something wrong and the rapture comes?!”  If this is how we think, Jesus no longer becomes radical and the gospel just plain isn’t good news.  We no longer have to live in fear. We are safe in Christ because we already are all in him whether we know it and are transformed by it or not. The two men on the cross next to Jesus are used in the church as a lesson of “this guy just squeaked into heaven and you can too!” If the man who didn’t respond wasn’t there also. It’s just not good news.

I heard this recently:
God isn’t the god OF Love like a greek god is the god of many things..
God IS Love

If God IS Love what Jesus came to “do” must be representative of the truest love we can Imagine. (because he created us for… that’s right. Love. )

Not a “I love you but.., if you don’t do x y z you are out!” Project Runway style values.. that is so exclusive.
We know better! The holy spirit says it to us. And we want to believe it! We just stop listening because the preacher told me so.We have to have faith that Jesus really Lived and died for All not Some. And that is where the Beauty and transformation happens in our lives. When we begin to understand God’s Love for us. Plain and Simple. I refuse to believe that he asked us to forgive each other 70×7,  but God is a sin record keeper. NO! That is the thing about this dream. I think it speaks to the grand lie we in today’s church have become the devils workers for: that if you do xyz you get into heaven. But you will never really know, so don’t think about it too much. And go get those lost sinners out there with our prepackaged “sinners prayer” because that is the only way into eternal life. Because God put the fate of the world in our hands and he is just way up in heaven and can’t do anything about it.  Sound like good news?  It is not our job to save anyone. How arrogant to think so! 

Also I am convinced that The #1 thing the Devil wants to convince us of is our lack of worth. Our individual spark or gifts are the thumbprint of God on us. And we release healing and freedom when we are simply truly who we are. Personalities and Gifts and all of that Identity stuff is so celebrated by God. But if we are convinced that we really don’t have anything of worth inside of us to contribute and that God made us as a joke and we are alone,  we have lost something so precious! I believed for a long time that if I was truly free in being who I am I would just hurt people all around me because I was told that I am too loud or too much for others to handle in the past. That fear kept me changing faster than a chameleon in every situation. And I had myself convinced that this was the most loving thing to do for other people. I was just accommodating what I thought they wanted me to be.  And it was anxiety ridden and exhausting trying to remember who I thought the person I was with- needed me to be.

 When we start to live out of the acceptance and peace that this Love is giving we can just truly be authentic and take a deep breath and not worry so much! I am so loved! And so are you- so just live and breathe and be.

And love will make you new. 

Joelle-

Tags: Dream, Jesus, love, thoughts